


Running on empty, so out of gas

by chocolatecastleinthesky



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, College, Comfort/Angst, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, M/M, Post-Canon, Therapy, supportive boyfriend, supportive friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 10:05:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18871003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolatecastleinthesky/pseuds/chocolatecastleinthesky
Summary: Adam struggles with going off to college; luckily Ronan knows how to help him face this new future.





	Running on empty, so out of gas

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Katy Perry's By the Grace of God
> 
> Lauren Daigle's You Say is officially Adam's song to Ronan. Fight me.  
> "I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough  
> Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up  
> Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?  
> Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know (ooh oh)  
> You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing  
> You say I am strong when I think I am weak  
> You say I am held when I am falling short  
> When I don’t belong, oh you say that I am yours"
> 
> Nothing is ever beta'd because that's my life.

Ronan reluctantly answered the Facetime call. “Hey Gansey.” His best friend grinned at him before filling him in on his travel adventures. It was nearly the end of September and they had agreed to a weekly call. Ronan secretly loved them, even if they forced him to use his phone. He missed his friends.

 

“Hey, Ronan. Have you talked to Adam much recently?” He had a crease mark between his eyebrows and was thumbing at his lower lip.

 

Ronan sighed. “Here and there. He has a lot of projects and essays due soon. Fall break is only two weeks away and he has midterms before that.” In truth, Adam’s calls had been short, even if they were mostly following their regular call schedule. “Why?”

 

“He hasn’t called us much or answered our calls. It seems unlike him. But if he has that much going on, then that could explain it. He did always withdraw more around exam time.” They continued to chat and Ronan let Opal say hello and goodnight. Ronan was a little unsettled in his worry about Adam. He took it out by throwing balloons of paint against one of the barns. He couldn’t see how it turned out in the darkness, but he was okay with that.

* * *

Adam sat in his therapist’s office, wringing his hands in silence. His therapist was a kindly old woman but he knew at this point that she had a backbone of steel. It was a good balance for him. He imagined her as a kindly grandmother who baked cookies for her family and chastised children for their major mistakes while forgiving and assisting them through their minor ones.

 

“Adam.” Her voice was soft but urging. “I’m proud of how much you have shared this past month. About your father, your mother, your friends. It’s amazing how much you have handled. What are you facing right now?”

 

Adam gulped. Tears welled behind his eyes. How could he explain this? He barely understood it himself. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

 

“Doing with what?” Mrs. Prendez started knitting and handed him some needles and yarn as well. She understood his need for comfort and repetition and had taught him the basics. He was working on a scarf for Opal during his therapy sessions.

 

“Everything.” It was barely a whisper that could be heard over the clacking of knitting needles.

 

“Everything? You don’t know what you’re doing with Ronan? Opal? Calla and Maura? Gansey, Blue, and Henry?” Her look was simultaneously intense and soft. Adam felt like she was staring into his soul.

 

“No, of course not! It’s… it’s… I can barely handle it. I’m falling apart and I don’t know how to stop. I feel like I’m just pretending to be someone I’m not, something I’m not here.”

 

“What are you pretending?”

 

“That I belong here. That I can do this and make it in life. That I can be successful. That I’m… worth it.” His voice faltered and he dropped a stitch. He focused on fixing it while she responded.

 

“You got here on a scholarship. That is very prestigious. You work hard for your classes and do well in them.”

 

“I’ve got a C in psychology! I barely have a B in my anatomy class. That isn’t doing well.” His voice raised in anger and disappointment. He didn’t have close friends here. He wasn’t succeeding in his classes.

 

“Who have you talked to about this?”

 

“You.” It was a quiet admission as Adam reigned in his emotions.

 

“What do you want?”

 

It was a question he had asked himself often in the last couple weeks. “I...I don’t know.” His shoulders caved in on himself. His knitting slowed. “I don’t know what I want. I don’t think I really thought I’d make it this far. I had planned and worked myself nearly to death to get here and I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t picture my future anymore.” It physically hurt him to admit this.

 

His therapist looked into his red eyes, ringed with dark circles. His cheeks were hollow and his body gaunt. He still worked hard at the local mechanic’s and his library job and he tried to eat regularly with his meal plan. However, the stress, anxiety, and depression seemed to counteract each attempt to fill out his body and contributed to his sleeplessness.

 

Time ticked by and his appointment was just about over. “Adam, I’m giving you two homework assignments, okay?” He nodded glumly. “Your first one is to keep a journal - I want you to write down what you felt during the day and what made you feel that way. The second is to talk to your boyfriend. You say that he will support you in anything you choose to do, that you love him and his daughter. You need to lean on your support system, even if they are not near.” Adam nodded, unsure he could complete the second task. “I want to see you at the end of the week, not wait for next week.” Adam nodded again in silence and took his leave.

 

He trudged back to his dorm where he laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling and feeling helpless. He felt awful. He didn’t want to burden Ronan and he wanted to be deserving of him. But what kind of boyfriend was he if he couldn’t even talk to the man he loved? He couldn’t make himself be worthy if he was a failure at the only plan he had for his life. He didn’t move for hours, just laying on his bed in numbness. He considered doing a reading with Persephone’s cards, but he had tried a few times and was not satisfied with the results.

 

It was nearly 3am when the panic attack hit. He gasped for breath while his chest tightened. He could feel his heart race as fast as his thoughts. Adam’s muscles were seizing as he curled in on himself, immensely grateful for the fact his roommate had dropped out and wouldn’t witness his breakdown. Once his breathing was under control, he grabbed for his phone and called Ronan.

 

He picked up after three rings and a groggy voice said his name. “Parrish?”

 

Adam’s heart seized again and tears welled up. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called and woke you. I’ll go.”

 

“Adam-” He hung up, and cried himself to sleep, arms wrapped around himself like the hug he couldn’t have.

* * *

Ronan stared at his dead phone. It had sounded like Adam was crying and his worry from the last few days grew exponentially. Cursing, he threw clothes on and a handful into a bag, not even looking to see what it was. He grabbed his toothbrush and went to wake Opal. He corralled the drowsy satyr into his car and raced to Fox Way. Orla answered the door and didn’t even comment when Ronan said he needed her watched for awhile. He returned to his car and flew to Adam’s campus, hours away, his speedometer displaying triple digits.

 

He arrived in record time and managed to get into Adam’s dorm thanks to a sleep deprived freshman who didn’t even blink at him. He pounded on Adam’s door and was greeted by a sight that took his breath away - for once, not in a good way concerning Adam.

 

“What the fuck.” Ronan didn’t know who spoke the phrase first. Adam stared at him, not really seeing, eyes almost as glassy as when he scryed.

 

Ronan maneuvered his boyfriend into the room and onto the bed. He wrapped his arms around him, pulled him into his lap, and kissed him on the top of his head. “Adam, talk to me. What’s going on?” He used nearly every ounce of control to keep his voice from breaking.

 

Adam shook in his arms. “I can’t do this.” Ronan’s heart stopped. “I can’t handle this place. I’m not good enough to be here. I ...I… I am so out of place.”

 

Ronan’s heartbeat resumed, his worst fear averted. He nuzzled into Adam’s neck. “You are more than good enough to be here. Why the hell would you think otherwise? You have accomplished more than most assholes on this campus could even dream of.”

 

“I’m not doing well in my classes! I don’t even know what I want to do! I can’t pick a major… I never thought that far, not really. I just wanted to be successful and I can’t even be that.” The tears were flowing freely but Adam refused to look at Ronan.

 

“We’ll take this one step at a time, okay?” Ronan worked to keep his voice steady and his body relaxed. It wouldn’t help Adam to get riled up himself. “Let’s get some water and food. I’m here for as long as you need me to be.” He forced Adam’s head up to look at him and wiped his tears before kissing his forehead, cheeks, nose, and finally skimming his lips against Adam’s.

 

“‘M not hungry.” Adam turned into Ronan’s neck.

 

“When did you last eat, dumbfuck?” Adam let out a soft smile at his unusual pet name, though it swiftly melted away into his downcast gaze.

 

“I dunno. Yesterday I think? I had a Cliff bar after class before therapy…” He had mentioned that he would be going to therapy to Ronan when he started school and found out it was free. He knew that he had residual issues from how he grew up and Ronan, although skeptical from his own experiences, supported him entirely.

 

Ronan sighed in frustration. “Get showered and dressed. We’re going to get food.” He pushed his boyfriend up and towards the bathroom, grabbing jeans, a shirt, and boxers for him. Adam got into the shower but made no effort to clean himself. His energy was spent. Ronan waited for several minutes, knowing Adam’s reluctance to waste water. When he didn’t come out, Ronan entered the bathroom. “Are you trying to become a fish?”

 

Adam sighed. “Just tired.” He started to wash himself, sluggishly shampooing his hair. His stubble was growing longer and he knew he should shave, but he couldn’t bring himself to. He said as much to Ronan, who sat him on the toilet and began to lather his face with shaving cream.

 

Adam tried to push his hand away. “Fuck off, Adam. Let me take care of you.” Adam didn’t put up a fight, which was more concerning to Ronan than if he had.

 

They ate at the dining hall in quiet. Ronan occasionally told him a story about Opal or the Barns in general, his plans for a garden and trying to sell eggs locally. After, Ronan walked Adam to his class and told him he’d be waiting in the library. Once there, Ronan texted Gansey.

 

_I’m with Adam. Things are rough. I’m trying to help. Where are you?_

 

**We’re in Ohio. Want us to come for the weekend?**

 

_Yeah_

 

Ronan knew his closest friend would be shocked by his long text but he also knew that Adam needed everyone to help keep him together. It was Thursday and they should be there by Friday night. He spent the day encouraging Adam, helping him study, and convincing him to cancel work for Saturday. That night, the two made out in bed, before falling sleep more soundly than before.

* * *

Friday passed in much the same way. Ronan coaxed Adam into eating regularly and waited for him during his classes. Adam had worked on his feelings notebook and noticed how often Ronan popped up with good feelings. He shared this with his therapist and she smiled at the progress.

 

“I’m glad you told him.”

 

“I didn’t on the phone. He could tell something was wrong and came to see me.”

 

“And how’d that make you feel?” She chuckled at the cliche phrase and Adam blushed.

 

“Cared for. Important.” She nodded. As things wrapped up, she asked if she could meet him.

 

Ronan looked at Mrs. Prendez and didn’t say a word. “Hello, you must be Ronan.” She didn’t look surprised at him and smiled at him. “I’m glad you’re here. Enjoy your day, you two.”

 

As they walked to Adam’s dorm, Ronan commented. “She seems… something.”

 

Adam laughed. “That’s an accurate description, actually.”

 

“Is she helping?”

 

“A lot. We’d been addressing issues related to, y’know, but we’re switching gears to deal with the new crap.”

 

Ronan nodded. “I was thinking about that in the library earlier. I have a few ideas for you.”  They settled onto the bed and Ronan grabbed a notebook. “Okay so what I want you to do is write down what success means to you.” Adam gave him a look. “I know, it’s cliche bullshit. But still.” He nudged the pen and notebook into his hands.

 

Adam stared at the paper. _Money. Family._ Adam froze. He always imagined a trophy wife, lots of money, a nice house, and social connections. Yet, Adam couldn’t picture that and he started to panic. Ronan massaged his shoulders, not looking at the paper. “I… I used to have this picture, but it doesn’t feel right anymore.” Ronan nodded. “What would yours be?”

 

Ronan smiled softly, glad Adam couldn’t see him because he might give away how much Adam played into his image of success. “I think mine would be getting the farm running again. Having a family. I guess… just doing something worthwhile with people I care about.” Adam smiled a little. “I know I don’t have to worry about fucking money like you do… but whatever job you get should be something you’d enjoy doing. That’s what I think.”

 

Adam looked back at the paper. _Help others. Travel._ He stopped writing and sighed. “I think that’s it.”

 

Ronan spoke again. “Okay, now I want you to list jobs that would help you get to do those things.” Adam’s eyebrows furrowed as he brainstormed. _Lawyer. Doctor. Social Worker? Teacher? Vet? Engineer. Psychologist._ “Social worker and teacher?” Ronan sounded surprised.

 

“I know they don’t make much money… well actually they make way less than student loans should account for. But they’re directly involved with helping people, especially kids like me.” Ronan kissed Adam. “Teachers have set breaks which would be good for travel. But being a lawyer or doctor would make a lot more money. Engineers don’t directly help people but it’s something I feel like I would be good at.”

 

“Well, maybe you should talk to the different departments here on campus and see what you think about what they say. See what bullshit they deal with and all that. Take those stupid fucking classes everyone has to take.” Adam felt much better with a plan. He wasn’t going to be a CEO or businessman or politician; he didn’t like the people in those jobs and didn’t feel like he could help people from there.

 

Adam moved the notebook to his desk and pulled Ronan down on top of him in the bed, kissing him fiercely, trying to express his love and gratitude. Things felt a little lighter and with Ronan touching him, thoughts about anything else fled his mind. Adam felt free and cuddled against Ronan, being the big spoon this time.

* * *

They stayed in bed late on Saturday, kissing and cuddling. Adam never felt as loved as he did when Ronan gently caressed his cheek, staring into his eyes with wonder. Ronan would trace his lips, cup his face and kiss him with more tenderness than Adam had previously thought humans could possess, let alone someone as hard and sharp as Ronan. Ronan’s fingers would lightly skim the planes of his chest, and Adam’s muscles rippled below his fingertips. His eyes fluttered as Ronan treated him the devotion he usually saved for Sunday mornings at St. Agnes.

 

Adam’s phone started to go off with Gansey’s set ringtone and they both groaned in frustration. “I can let it go to voicemail.” Adam’s response was breathy, eyes wide with love and desire.

 

Ronan sighed and sat up. “Normally I would be all for this. But I fucking brought this on us. Dammit.” Adam glared and picked up the phone.

 

“Hi.” His response was curt.

 

“Adam!!!” The trio called to him. “Come outside for breakfast!!! We found this great little diner…”

 

“Outside? You’re here?” Adam’s glare darkened at Ronan, who looked sheepish.

“Didn’t Ronan tell you?” Gansey’s voice was concerned.

 

“No. He didn’t. We’ll get dressed and come down.” He sighed and hung up. “What the actual fuck, Ronan? Seriously? Why?”

 

“You needed your friends.” Ronan stood and pulled on clean clothes, while Adam grumbled and grouched at him.

 

“I needed you. Not everyone! They don’t need to be up in my business!” Ronan knew that this was a chance when he took the gamble to talk to Gansey. But he knew that Adam’s anger would blow over and that with an actual support group, he would be more successful.

 

Ronan was quiet during the walk down to meet up with the rest of the gang. Blue ran up to Adam and kissed him on the cheek and punched Ronan on the arm. This earned a half smile from Adam and an eye roll from Ronan. Fists were bumped, high fives traded, and they were off to the cafe for breakfast.

 

After awhile, Adam did start to relax and have fun. He showed them around the campus, where his favorite and least favorite classes were, his favorite study spots, and the copse of trees where he would escape to when he needed space to think. During the tour, Gansey asked him questions about his classes and classmates, campus clubs, and class options. He not so subtly urged him to join certain organizations and Blue would step on his foot or elbow him when he did. By the time night was falling, the group had filled Adam’s dorm floor with blankets and pillows, and they all collapsed together, limbs tangled with limbs. Peace settled over Adam and he leaned in to kiss his boyfriend’s cheek and whisper “thank you” for everything he had done for him. Before Ronan left, he found a teddy bear that warmed when he hugged it and smelled like Ronan. He slept with it every night after.

* * *

The next few weeks showed Adam joining study groups, especially for his more challenging classes and attending some club meetings. He made some friends, though none he would truly confide in. Then, he met Marianna, whom he described to Ronan as a cross between him and Blue with just a touch of Gansey thrown in. She would often stay in his room, studying or chatting, her gregarious personality keeping him buoyant on his bad days. He told her about his journey to getting into an Ivy League school and she told him about her parents, one of whom had been deported and how she was also a scholarship student.

 

He sent Ronan random pictures of his days, and Ronan responded in kind. When Adam found a song that described how he felt, he shared it with his boyfriend. Ronan didn’t usually reply but Adam knew he listened to them. Songs, art, pictures, they all helped him express what he struggled to with words. Their communication was improving, but they had a long way to go, still. Mrs. Prendez was helping him with that, with figuring out his future, with dealing with his past. He started to get mail, letters from Ronan, trinkets and postcards from Gansey, Blue, and Henry, and the occasional care package from Fox Way with tea, cookies, and something related to being psychic.

 

By the time fall break arrived, Adam returned to the Barns with a new set of life goals, new group of friends, and even deeper love for his found family. He read Opal bedtime stories, cuddled his boyfriend, did ridiculous activities with them, and realized that for all the crap in his life, there were things worthwhile. That he, and his future, were worth it.


End file.
